Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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