apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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