rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize