i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
