My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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