y did u give ur computer a hand job?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
