dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
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He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
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and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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