i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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