so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
