My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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