my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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