The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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