so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
