she woke up with a sticky ear
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
