the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
