Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
