I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
