I'm so fucking centered right now
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
