Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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