Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
