Soap is not a condiment
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
