Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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