I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
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We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
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I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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