she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
