This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
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The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
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When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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