I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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