So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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