A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
