My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
