i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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