When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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