You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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