sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
