I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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