At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
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He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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