every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
