I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
