Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
