i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
