captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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