Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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