dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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