My Higher Power is John Stamos
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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