I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
