why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
