i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
