Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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