i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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