The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
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we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
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While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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