id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
