I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
