Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
