Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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